Barren Hope (Day 16 - Hope Against Hope)

The day I left the hospital was surreal.  The wheelchair was ready to take me down to be released to go home.

For the last three weeks, this hospital was home.  I went in with such joy and hope believing God for the best.

Photo by mommylolly licensed under Creative Commons

But now, my hope seemed to shame me.  It left me empty and embarrassed.  To even speak of hope. To believe in hope.  It had failed me.

I could hardly bear to look at the nurses as I was being wheeled out of the hospital as they smiled and nodded offering their sympathy.

The car ride home was awkward.  There was attempted conversation, but there was definitely an elephant in the room.

My mind was consumed with thoughts of how I was to continue life from this point on.  I went into the hospital to give birth to a baby and left empty handed.

When I walked inside my home, I felt like I couldn't breathe.  It was unfathomable.  My house felt desolate.

My family obviously had come in and moved all of the gifts we received at the baby shower. Although, it would have hurt to see them, it hurt worse to know they were once there and now there was no use for them.  No baby to read to.  No baby to use the bibs, pacifiers, diapers.  No baby to wrap in the blanket.

No baby, period.  It had gotten real at this moment.  I could no longer escape reality.  I was back home and again it was just the two of us, my husband and I.

We were parents, still.  Would we be recognized as such once our baby died?  This question still plagues me today.

Losing a child has proved to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  I am not the same person I was before.

Perhaps life's circumstances have you too questioning your identity.  Questioning where you belong.

I get it.  I too have struggled, but we don't have to struggle in silence or in isolation.

Regardless of what we experience, our stories connect us.  But ultimately, it connects us to Jesus, our hope, our Savior, our redeemer.

He weeps with us and is in touch with our pain.  He is always there.

Tomorrow I will share a video of a wife whose world was changed instantly.  I was so blessed by her reaction and reliance on Jesus.  I hope you will be too!

This is Day 16 of a 31 day series of “Hope Against Hope”. To read all of the posts in this series, click here. To read what several other bloggers are writing for the month of October, click here